I used to think and say that to not write would be the equivalent of cutting off my arm. The pain and loss would be unbearable. But I have survived. My muse has been absent, my motivation on vacation, and my thoughts are scrambled beyond most recognition. And yet I live. I miss having fascinating people spout from my brain, but it has yet to be my undoing. Hopefully soon I can write at least school papers, since they are necessary. But I would much rather create a friend for Amara or Alex or Oliver. Perhaps they have friends enough. I wonder if my creativity has taken flight because I am too happy? Why create happy endings when I've found some sort of peace? Some sort of happiness? I wish I could understand.

I've been thinking, as I have a tendency to do when I'm working, about my past mistakes and how they've affected my life. Over the last few months, I've realized that I am grateful for each and every single one of my moronic mistakes, whether they were monumental or barely noticeable. Had I not made the choices, acted on the thoughts, or followed the whims that come with youth, I'm not sure if I would have gotten to where I am right now. And where I'm at now is pretty damn good. No lie. I am the happiest that I've ever been. The fact that I can say that and mean it, it's a whole new thing for me. It's not that my life is perfect. Far from it. My car has been deemed unsafe to drive, my funds are rapidly dwindling, I have no summer job set up and I haven't even started looking for one yet, and as soon as I graduate from college in the fall I will be kicked off of my parent's health insurance and other things, I'm sure. Reality is about to start using my ass as a kick-boxing target. While these things worry me profusely, I'm not afraid of them. Well, not to the extent that I'm sure I could be. I'm pretty damn pro at worrying. But I won't have to face these things alone. I know that I will have people around to support and encourage me, in failure or success. I know that I will not be allowed to live in a box as long as I have a couple friends with couches. And I've finally met someone that, despite his own beliefs, has never let me down. I'm not saying that he never will, but I know that he would never do anything to hurt me. I'm comfortable around him and I don't feel the need to filter, which is oddly freeing. I still put my foot in my mouth often, some habits are hard to kill, but he lets me talk my way out of the holes I've dug until we're understanding each other again. We are similar, but we are different enough to bring new and interesting things into the other person's life. And the fact that his family doesn't hate me (to my knowledge anyway) is nice in its own way.
Long story short (too late), I'm grateful that my fucked up life has led me to this point. I know it won't stay this way, change is inevitable, but I hope it will last as long as it can. Even if this all comes crashing down tomorrow, I will continue to be grateful for this time of peace. This time of love.

~A couple of lines from a couple songs that have been sticking with me lately will wrap up this blog quite nicely, I think.~

You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you
-
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

~Well, I'm gonna put all of the one song on here, because it's my blog and I can. Thank goodness for Nickelback, among other things~  :)

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, ohhh

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

~Take care, everyone. I'll be around if you need me. Just holler, my phone's always on.~
<3 anJ

And I couldn't think of a title. So, moving on.

Apparently I have a lot of epiphanies while I'm working. I don't know why. All I know is that I'm ridiculously tired which causes my mind to wander a bit. Anyway, so I was mentally channel surfing when I tripped over a thought.
When did I become so completely cynical?
I'm happy with my life right now. I've never been able to say that. Ever. Things don't always go the way I want them to, but I can deal with that. I have no reason to be cynical. I have no reason to not trust people, with limited exceptions. And yet, the one person in my life that has never let me down, I was capable of distrusting in my mind. Finding something, anything, to worry about. Something that, in all reality, will never happen. I'm well aware of the fact that, at some point, everyone lets you down, whether they know it or not. But I keep holding my breath waiting for something to go horribly wrong. For me to say something that is absolutely not ok. To put my foot in my mouth as far as humanly possible. Why do I think this way? When did this happen? My bitterness has been mostly neutralized, my sadness dealt with, and yet my cynicism runs rampant. Fantastic. I'm going to work on it. I really am. Past events have made me cautious when I interact with anyone in my life. Wait... I have a thought. The reason that I worry doubly much as it relates to him is that, ever since we got together, I've become absolutely terrified of losing him. Of him leaving. I know I have a complex relating to that and that in and of itself is its own issue, but this is different. I don't want to lose him. And yet, I see no reason for him to stay. I don't know if I could do anything to keep him here if he was inclined to leave. I'm a bitch. I have low tolerances for some things and less patience for others. I have so many complexes that I've lost count. I worry all the time, I'm whiny, and I can be just damned annoying, whether I'm bored or not. I see no reason for him to stay. My cynicism (yes, I did get back to the point) keeps pointing out these things. Giving him excuses to leave and never look at me again. If only I could see what he sees, just for one moment, then maybe I'd understand why he stays. Why he wants no one but me. I don't understand. No matter how hard I try, I just can't see it.